Truth.

One word, with such big meaning. Truth.
The truth is I am an adult child of an alcoholic. Yes. I grew up the daughter of an alcoholic mother.
No, this is not the path I would have chosen for myself in this wondrous and beautiful life I have been given here on earth.
Yes, it hurts. I live with this thought all the time. You see, I never had the relationship I have always dreamed of having with my mom. While other girls had fun shopping with their mom's, going to lunch, having fun..I felt alone. I felt unloved. Although, I guess in her own way, she loved the best she knew how. She did try to do her best. Appearance was very important to her. She sewed dresses for me, baked cookies for school..but, yet..the love I needed, I felt I didn't have. During my teen years, well, that was the worst. She was very critical of me. I never felt I was good enough. I was always trying to please her.
I was always trying to protect my younger siblings. Holidays were hard. The drinking was heavy, the yelling was hard to take, although, it seemed as though we had gotten used to it, we really didn't.
We would always be scorned and treated like children even as adults.
I made a promise to myself and I swore that I would NEVER become this way to my own children, for they deserved so much more than this. If I were to bring children into the world, which were a blessing from GOD, they would be nurtured, loved and protected, whatever the cost.
My children come first. It still hurts to see women with their now aging mom's having such a wonderful relationship and spending time together. I have no relationship with my mother. I can't.
It just wasn't meant to be.
My children recently met their grandmother after all these years..our son now 21, our daughter 16...
After their encounter..my son hugged me that night, realizing what I had been going through all these years..he told me that he loved me and that he was happy that "I" was "His" Mother. He saw how she was, no words were needed. :( It just breaks my heart.
It hurts.
It is easy for people to say to go on, forget about it, ..it still is hard..to live through an experience growing up with this is not easy..it DOES affect you. It does leave scars.
I have had friends that I had to cut out of my life because of their actions towards me...reminds me too much of my mom. I have made other promises to myself that if anyone in the future hurts me in any way, I have to let them go. I need to take care of me from now on.
I am too important of a person.
I know I am blessed, and I know that I was put into my family that I grew up in for a reason..I am still not sure why..but there must have been a reason.
I have prayed so much over the years for my mother's healing, but she doesn't seem to want to heal herself.
I am sorry for that.
Life goes on.
I hear that my mom is still the same. Drinking and very demeaning..but I am not in her life so she cannot do that to me anymore..
She is now 71 years old and nothing has changed.
I don't understand how someone could choose alcohol over their family or anything else for that matter.
What makes alcohol so much more important than relationships?
I guess I will never understand.
It wrecks so many things..relationships, families, love, ......

Everything.
Louise