Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Truth.

One word, with such big meaning. Truth.
The truth is I am an adult child of an alcoholic. Yes. I grew up the daughter of an alcoholic mother.
No, this is not the path I would have chosen for myself in this wondrous and beautiful life I have been given here on earth.
Yes, it hurts. I live with this thought all the time. You see, I never had the relationship I have always dreamed of having with my mom. While other girls had fun shopping with their mom's, going to lunch, having fun..I felt alone. I felt unloved. Although, I guess in her own way, she loved the best she knew how. She did try to do her best. Appearance was very important to her. She sewed dresses for me, baked cookies for school..but, yet..the love I needed, I felt I didn't have. During my teen years, well, that was the worst. She was very critical of me. I never felt I was good enough. I was always trying to please her.
I was always trying to protect my younger siblings. Holidays were hard. The drinking was heavy, the yelling was hard to take, although, it seemed as though we had gotten used to it, we really didn't.
We would always be scorned and treated like children even as adults.
I made a promise to myself and I swore that I would NEVER become this way to my own children, for they deserved so much more than this. If I were to bring children into the world, which were a blessing from GOD, they would be nurtured, loved and protected, whatever the cost.
My children come first. It still hurts to see women with their now aging mom's having such a wonderful relationship and spending time together. I have no relationship with my mother. I can't.
It just wasn't meant to be.
My children recently met their grandmother after all these years..our son now 21, our daughter 16...
After their encounter..my son hugged me that night, realizing what I had been going through all these years..he told me that he loved me and that he was happy that "I" was "His" Mother. He saw how she was, no words were needed. :( It just breaks my heart.
It hurts.
It is easy for people to say to go on, forget about it, ..it still is hard..to live through an experience growing up with this is not easy..it DOES affect you. It does leave scars.
I have had friends that I had to cut out of my life because of their actions towards me...reminds me too much of my mom. I have made other promises to myself that if anyone in the future hurts me in any way, I have to let them go. I need to take care of me from now on.
I am too important of a person.
I know I am blessed, and I know that I was put into my family that I grew up in for a reason..I am still not sure why..but there must have been a reason.
I have prayed so much over the years for my mother's healing, but she doesn't seem to want to heal herself.
I am sorry for that.
Life goes on.
I hear that my mom is still the same. Drinking and very demeaning..but I am not in her life so she cannot do that to me anymore..
She is now 71 years old and nothing has changed.
I don't understand how someone could choose alcohol over their family or anything else for that matter.
What makes alcohol so much more important than relationships?
I guess I will never understand.
It wrecks so many things..relationships, families, love, ......

Everything.
Louise

7 comments:

  1. Hi,
    I just couldn't help leaving a comment. My mother is not an alcoholic but, for different reasons, we have never been able to have a "normal" realationship either. I, too, have always envied friends who were able to do things with their moms or even have a simple normal conversation with them. My mom is 75 and she hasn't changed. She never will. I have a 10-year-old boy I love to bits and I am doing all the best I can not to make the same mistakes. I want him to trust me as a real friend, I want him to miss me when I grow old and come and visit me because he wants to, because my love makes him feel good, and not just because he feels obliged to. Most of all, I want him to be a happy, free adult, and I am positive I won't make the same mistakes she has made. I am sure you are doing the same!
    Cheers
    Dora
    Brazil

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you for sharing, Louise. It is always special to read posts like these on a blog because it makes the the blogger real in my eyes. Takes courage to reveal inner struggles and pain. I can identify to the pain of not having a close relationship with a mom. Like your blog design, BTW. Very pretty.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This post breaks my heart Louise. It's because of what is going on in my life right now. Sending you much love and hugs. X

    ReplyDelete
  4. I have also had an abusive past with an abusive parent.

    Sometimes I do not think they are choosing alcohol over family....
    I think it is their way of hiding all their hurt and pain the only way they know how. They do not want you to know just how hurt they have been from the past. So they hide it behind drinking and then it becomes this habit that they are afraid of losing and having to deal with the pain again.

    I know it is hard. I know we have to forgive them for all they have put us through.... believe me that is not easy... but it can be done and that does not mean you have to forget what they have done.

    OOOPS sorry did not mean to lecture.... (((HUGS)))

    ReplyDelete
  5. My Heart goes out too you. Everything you wrote, were exactly how it was for me growing up (except it was my dad that was the alcoholic and my mom drank to put up with him)She past away from cancer when she was 51 (23 years ago) and my dad is still living. He no longer drinks but is in a nursing home - he is bitter old man.He has 7 children an none of us go see him. We have tried to reconnect but we always end up in tears. I am in a happy place now but still watch people with there parents and wish I had that closeness of a parent. I have 3 children that I am very close too and would never let anything come between us.
    Sorry this got so long
    Thank you for sharing
    Denise

    ReplyDelete

Thank you so much for stopping by and taking the time to post a comment.
Means so much to me! I hope you enjoy reading my blog as much as
I enjoy posting about all the things I love. I wish you a Beautiful Blessed Day!
Louise